Finding Him Where I Am..

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Once upon a time, I wrestled. With God.

I didn’t get him – I didn’t understand why He was doing half the things He was doing in my life. I mean isn’t this a partnership? I’m supposed to surrender it all to Him so He can do His thing in my life? So, it not too much to ask Him to let me in on it right?

It was still my life wasn’t it?

It was a time when I was struggling with so many decisions, directions and situations. I needed breakthroughs, changes and His promises fulfilled. If there ever was a time for Him to throw me a bone – that was it.

And so it began. I decided it was time to get real personal with God and get in His face. I needed answers so I dug my heels in deep and confronted Him. Everyday, I would ask Him – Why? When? How? Where? What?

And everyday, I would remind him that I was obedient. I was faithful. I was seeking. I had surrendered it all and gave up all control. I was fully dependent on Him.

Then, I would ask all my questions. All. Over. Again…The next day, rewind and repeat. Then, I would sit and stew..waiting for a voice from Heaven to boom out answers to me.

Days turned into weeks and God was silent. I was mad.

Eventually, I got real and told God, “it’s ok. I didn’t need a thundering voice from heaven, a whisper would suffice”.

No whispers came.

Finally, I got tired and more frustrated than before. Emotionally and physically, I felt depleted and wrung out. I cried, threw my hands up and said “You Win. It’s wasn’t a fair fight to begin with anyway – you’re God!”

I stopped with the questions, then I stopped talking to Him altogether. I became still, sullen and silent – simply out of exhaustion…and slowly something began to unravel in my mind.

I think it’s called a revelation..

Those endless questions I had? That very need to know? That was still control. In my silence, the Holy Spirit gently revealed to me that I had not in fact completely surrendered.

I realised that to surrender completely to God is to say, “wherever, whenever, however and whatever Lord, as long as Your perfect will be done – I’m ok not knowing”.

I think it’s called faith..

Not easy at all! I admit, for me, to say that wholeheartedly and then faithfully place all my circumstances on His alter is like pulling teeth – minus the novocain! After all, I’m just a mere mortal still learning to walk well with my Saviour BUT in yielding, He makes it easier.

In fact, when I let Him, He even shows me how to unclench my controlling fists and let go.

“I know the Lord is always with me, I will not be shaken, for He is right beside me”

-Psalm 16:8

Time and time again, scriptures have shown me that God led His people on magnificent journeys through time and foreign lands in this very same manner – without revealing to them the hows, whats, whens and whys.

Time and again, the eventual outcome was a revelation of His goodness and faithfulness to them. But first I had to let it all go; when standing required too much strength, I knelt.

It was in that very posture of yielding that I found Him – next to me, right where I was – down on my knees in a state of sadness, confusion and uncertainty. In that one moment, I felt His peace weave through the maze of my mind and suddenly the clutter ceded.

Then, His strength lifted me back up and I felt a familiar bounce in my step. Hello Joy! I realised then it is that very knowing.

Even when God is silent, even when I feel lost, alone or think I’m drowning, and even when I don’t see or feel His hand in my circumstance, no matter how dim they seem to me, I know in my heart of hearts that He is in the water with me.

I may be flailing for a while or even convinced that I might drown but I know I won’t. My Good Father simply won’t let me – it is not in His nature to let His Beloved sink.